Love, Stress, and Fast Swims: What Relationships Really Do to Athlete Performance

As a college swim coach, I started to notice a pattern I couldn’t quite ignore. Some athletes seemed to swim their best when they were in a stable romantic relationship. Others, especially around breakups, struggled to find the same sharpness in their training or racing. Even more interesting: this pattern wasn’t evenly distributed. In many cases, I noticed that some male athletes seemed to thrive both during relationships and after breakups, while some female athletes struggled more with performance during both the high and low points of their romantic lives.

Not always. Not everyone. But often enough to make me wonder: Do relationships influence

athletic performance differently for different athletes? And if so, why?

This post isn’t about stereotypes or strict categories, it’s about exploring something many coaches quietly observe, using research and real-world experience to better understand the athletes we work with.

The Complex Spillover Between Relationships and Performance

Sports psychologists talk about spillover: how stress or support in one area of life transfers into another.

A 2017 study by Hirokazu Araii looked at collegiate athletes and found that male athletes tended to report more positive spillover from their romantic relationships — more motivation, more emotional stability, more energy for training. For women in the study, the effects were more mixed. Some reported positive benefits, while others experienced more conflict or stress spilling over into sport.

This mirrors what many coaches see: romantic relationships can elevate an athlete’s performance… or introduce emotional demands that compete with the intensity of high-level training.

Support vs. Stress: What the Research Says

Several studies help explain why athletes respond differently to romantic relationships:

1. The Quality of the Relationship Matters More Than the Status

Alison DeGuzman’s interviews with collegiate athletes showed that some athletes described their partners as a major source of support, confidence, or emotional grounding — all of which can enhance performance.

But others described romantic relationships as sources of conflict, distraction, or added emotional labor. That stress can drain the physical and mental bandwidth needed for elite performance.

2. Conflict Predicts Burnout

Research by Keaton Muzika found that when athletes feel their relationship is in conflict with their sport, too demanding, too distracting, or emotionally consuming they are more likely to experience burnout, reduced motivation, and decreased performance.

3. Even Elite Athletes Are Affected

A study of Olympic athletes found that many believed their performance improved when they were “in love.” But when researchers looked deeper, their version of “in love” was often more companionate, stable, and supportive, not the emotionally volatile “honeymoon-and-heartbreak” phases that college athletes often cycle through.

4. Psychological Needs Drive Performance

Athletes perform at their best when their needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness are met. Romantic relationships can meet those needs… or undermine them.

Where My Own Coaching Observations Fit In

When I first sat down to write this blog, one idea kept coming to mind, a memory, really. I spent ten seasons coaching college swimming, and during that time I saw plenty of swim-team “romances.” A pattern seemed to emerge: relationships appeared to benefit the men and hinder the women.

The guys often swam better when they were in relationships, and sometimes even better after the breakup, no matter how messy it was. The women, on the other hand, seemed to struggle. Their training tended to dip both during the relationship and after it ended. It was a trend I thought I’d observed consistently over a decade.

But when I finally sat down to dig into the research, what I found was far more nuanced. The real story had less to do with gender and more to do with how different people handle stress, emotional load, and change.

And that brought me to an important reminder: observing something over years doesn’t give us the full picture. Anecdotal evidence can point us in a direction, but it shouldn’t be the final word. When we take the time to investigate, challenge our assumptions, and learn what’s actually going on, we grow—not just as coaches, but as people.

What I saw over the years wasn’t about gender superiority or emotional resilience, it was about how different athletes responded to the emotional load relationships brought into their already demanding athletic lives.

Some athletes, often men, in my experience gained structure, confidence, and focus from a stable relationship. Others, often women, seemed to experience relationships as an additional emotional responsibility layered on top of school, training, expectations, and the pressure they were already carrying, creating chaos.

Again: not always. Not everyone. But often enough to ask better questions.

So Why the Differences? A Few Possible Explanations

1. Emotional Labor

Many women take on more emotional labor in relationships, managing feelings, communication, conflict, schedules, social dynamics. That’s energy. And energy is finite.

2. Socialization Differences

Men are often taught to use relationships as stability. Women are sometimes socially conditioned to invest deeply and manage more of the “work” of the relationship.

3. Stress Response Differences

The way stress manifests, and how it affects training focus, recovery, and sleep differs between individuals. Some athletes train through stress; others train around it.

4. Breakups Hit Athletes Differently

Some athletes respond to breakups with renewed focus (“I’m about to PR out of spite”). Others need time to emotionally recover before they can physically perform.

The key point: it’s not the relationship itself. It’s the dynamics of the relationship, combined with the athlete’s psychological profile.

What Coaches Can Do

Rather than telling athletes to “avoid relationships during the season,” (which I have done.) we can take a more nuanced, supportive approach:

• Have open, nonjudgmental conversations about what’s going on in their lives outside the pool.

• Normalize the impact of personal stress on performance, no shame, no stigma.

• Help athletes identify what supports them emotionally and what drains them.

• Encourage boundaries in relationships during heavy training cycles.

• Recognize signs of stress spillover (fatigue, lack of focus, disengagement, emotional instability).

Takeaway: Relationships Don’t “Help” or “Hurt” Performance

Romantic relationships are powerful emotional experiences. They can energize an athlete, ground them, and help them thrive. Or they can add stress, drain bandwidth, and make performance harder.

The pattern I observed as a coach wasn’t about gender differences as much as it was about relationship dynamics, emotional responsibilities, and how individual athletes process stress and support.

If we take the time to understand those dynamics, we can coach and care for our athletes much more effectively.

Final Thoughts

This post doesn’t settle the debate on whether romantic relationships are “good” or “bad” for athletes, and it doesn’t outline a perfect formula for how coaches should manage them. That’s because there isn’t one. What it does offer is a starting point: an understanding that relationships carry emotional weight, and that emotional weight can influence training, recovery, and performance in real ways.

At the end of the day, athletes aren’t just the people we see for a few hours at practice. They’re full humans with lives, stressors, joy, heartbreak, and responsibilities that extend far beyond the pool. Romantic relationships are simply one part of that larger picture.

Being honest with athletes about how outside experiences may affect their performance and being open to hearing what they’re carrying gives both coach and swimmer a clearer path forward. If we stay curious, compassionate, and willing to look beyond the lane lines, we’ll be far better equipped to help them navigate whatever comes next, in sport and in life.